forty three male

cut my left wrist

in 1981

was fifteen or sixteen

car crashs frostbite

third degree

pins scars

have known people

who cut

usually they are

very intelligent

and have a propensity

towards being sensitive

like as in instrument

of soul Not painting

only happy flowers

although thats okay too

cut myself once

a long curving line

on same left wrist

it was something

not just nothing

not numb

not empty

it was sore too

what happened??

i got lots of professional

help only in my late thirties

and recent forties

take medications now to

stablize my diagnosed bi polar

and depression

stopped drinking and drugging

cant believe how all of that

has helped me feel good

about myself now

But then you wonder??

then I thought i was alone

that no one listened

no one cared

when i was a teen

it was horrible

laying awake not

wanting to be alive

not ever seeming to

be able to escape

that nothing feeling

that numbness

i had no support

then no counsellors

when i did get attention

for that wrist cutting

day i went to the psychiatrist

got my hour therapy and left

didnt even try pills

just went back to feeling

like crap

music helped a lot

punk rock stuff

country stuff that old

sad stuff

even today i have to watch

not to listen too much

to that ancient music

even today i have to focus

on positive things

which was totally un natural

for me to experience

even today i find it trying

to smile so much all the time

no pill though no therapy

no psychiatrist made all

that horrible feeling stuff

go away from the time from

sixteen to now at fourty three

i have a fifteen year old daughter

who lives with her mother

we all get along great now

and my daughter doesnt seem to have

the depression that i had at that

age shes working has a boyfreind

draws plays guitar gets decent grades

in school and has a stable and positive

daddy finally

all my scars went on my insides

emotional scars and they are still

there i have never turned my back

on those experiences

never forgot what it felt like to

be aching so much from the soul

understanding what it is to want

to cause myself pain

so many overdoses even in the last

few years

in the psych with other people with

telltale scars on their arms and

legs their eyes telling everything

i just want to say that there sometimes

is an end so many people i know in

my city have died from their own hand

but those of us who are alive today

for this day know that there is light

that one day it sometimes stops

i dont know why i am here still

i dont have answers for myself

that i am still learning

even at this middle aged point

but i was once that scared numb

kid i just wanted someone to

know that wanted myself to know

that

thank you

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